I do a post on October 15th every year. Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. For those of you who don’t know our story, you can start here: post 1, post 2, post 3.
It hurts looking back on those old entries, when we were in the trenches of fertility issues, but it no longer feels as agonizing as it did when I posted them. I want to go back in time and give myself a hug, cry with her but let her know it is all going to work out how it is meant to work out. She just has to weather the storm before the rainbows.
We feel beyond blessed to have our two beautiful children. We fought long and hard to get here, and now we are ‘two and through’. It is such a relief to end this chapter in our lives and focus on enjoying our babies. Watching them grow up and become their own independent, fierce selves is the start of a new adventure. No more waiting, wondering, and pain.
This journey defined much of my 20’s. I never thought that having a family would be fraught with so many obstacles and uncertainties. When we tried one last time for baby #7, we agreed that it would be the last pregnancy, regardless of the outcome. As it turned out, baby R was lucky #7 and I was able to bring my second baby home.
The truth is, though, that it doesn’t work out for a lot of people. Their journeys do not always have happy endings. I light my candle today during the Wave of Light for my losses, their losses, and for the dreams that will never be realized. My heart breaks for it all and reminds me that I can never take anything in my life for granted. For those still struggling, I see you and send you more love than you know. I am here for you, please reach out and tell me your story.
And baby makes 4. Baby brother arrived this week just one day after his due date, and we are over the moon that he is finally here!
Labor was much quicker and easier this time around. After a 17-hour labor with W, less than 8 hours with baby boy felt like a dream. We got to the hospital in the middle of the night, I was already 8cm, was whisked up to the delivery room, and a little later I pushed for 15 minutes and he was out! Not to say it didn’t hurt, but I had so much more energy this time around and knew what to expect.
Giving birth during a pandemic was a little different. Options for pain meds were limited. I was able to use just nitrous oxide for pain management the first time around, but for this birth the hospital said it was epidural or nothing due to Covid risk. I opted for nothing, especially when the anesthesiologist introduced herself as the “student anesthesiologist”. Hell no. We were hoping to bring our doula in (zachthedoula.com) but because of the 1 support person rule, he couldn’t come to the hospital with us but helped me labor at home.
Baby boy came out alert and healthy. My recovery has been easy, and I feel almost back to my old self after just a few days. He was back to his birth weight by day 3, so high-fives all around!
W has completely embraced her role as big sister. She calls R “my baby!” and holds him every second she gets. It hasn’t been all smooth sailing, though, because she still has those big toddler emotions to process and has been taking it out on Mom and Dad. We are trying to find our routine and new normal, but we are tired. Up all day with a toddler, up all night with a newborn.
This whole 2 kids thing is no joke. At least everything we need is always within arms reach on the boat! I do feel like we are just doing tiny living and not liveaboard life because we haven’t used the boat for her intended purpose since July. This season of life is so fleeting, though, and soon our tiny newborn days will be over forever. Trying to find moments to embrace the here and now of this stage and freeze the memories.
Wishing our families and friends could be here with us to celebrate the new arrival. Thank you, everyone, for your love and support.